Bartender
by RenegadeZabuzaMomochi
Summary: Sparda is back. And this time, he's going to fend off demons as the owner of the Drunken May Cry!


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any copyrights to Devil May Cry.

"What an ordeal," says an exhausted Dante. On his back was the massive rocket launcher, the Kalina-Ann. It was loaned to him by a woman who goes by the name of Lady after he emerged as the victory from their little encounter. A smile is produced on his face and he simply approaches Lady, walking like he owned the damn place. He just finished fighting off his brother from the core of the Temen-ni-gru and sad to say, Vergil didn't exactly take Dante's offer of returning back to the human world. "You're still here?" Dante asks Lady.

"I need that back." Lady points at the rocket launcher. Dante hands it over to her, but pulls his hands back.

"No late fees, I hope."

"I'll think about it."

"What? Think about it? I just finished destroying demons from the netherworld, risking my ass off, getting stabbed, shot at and strangely enough, devoured by a giant slime ball and you're going to THINK ABOUT IT?!"

"Sheesh, Dante. What's gotten into you?"

"My place is wrecked and I have no insurance for starters. And second of all, I'm the one who killed all of the bad guys!"

"Hey, I'm the one who pulled the trigger on my own father!"

"Yeah? Well, I'm the one who SENT your father DOWN back to EARTH!"

"But I still pulled the trigger!"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Fuck you! You shut up!"

"No, fuck YOU! YOU SHUT UP!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

And so began the awful trading blows of insults between Lady and Dante. They were about to lunge at each other's throats and had the eyes of a killer within each of them. And before all hope was lost, Dante and Lady began making out in the middle of the ruins.

"You don't see that everyday," I called out.

"Huh?" Dante and Lady turned both of their attentions to me. _Well, that stopped them from bickering._

"D-DAD?!" Dante looked confused. I raised an eyebrow and stared at my own son.

"_Dad_? As in... Sparda?"

"Fo'shizzle. What are you two arguing about, anyway?" I asked.

"Well, your son was complaining that I might charge him for using my rocket launcher which was, by the way, playful banter."

"Hey, shut up. I thought you were serious."

"I was kidding, Dante. I know you're broke."

"Yeah, not to mention that you have an enormous debt on you, son. By the way, your mother said you should come down to the bar tonight. You can bring your friend with you... uuuhhh..."

"You can call me Lady."

"Lady?" I looked at Lady up and down questionably.

"Yeah, blame the idiot in red."

"Hey, you didn't want to give me a name so I gave you one, woman!" Dante protested.

"And you call yourself slick. My boy, you still have a lot to learn. Anyway. Yeah. The bar. Tonight. Drink with your old man."

"Whatever." With that, I watched my son walk past me and proceeded to hop on a bike. It was a red 1974 Ducati 750 Supersport. He revved the engines and sped off. _I thought this buffoon was broke. When did he get that bike?_

"HEY! THAT'S MY BIKE!" Lady shouted, running after him.

"Now I've seen everything." I shook my head. I felt my pants vibrate so I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. It was from Eva, so I chose not to ignore it. Because if I did, then I would end up like Dante. With mountains of debt. But then again, I have my own bar so I think I'll do fine. Still, Eva's my wife. Wait, why am I even thinking stupid shit like this? Anyway, I looked at the text and my eyes bulged out as if they were going to explode. It read: I told you to wash the dishes, darling. :)

"Jesus Christ. I may as well go into hiding." I closed my phone and began walking towards the bar. It was only a four hour walk so it should buy more than enough time.

_While taking a short-cut to get to the bar..._

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ROAD'S CLOSED?!" I shouted at the police officer in charge of the road blockage. _I can't believe this! If I don't get home and open the bar, my wife's going to kill me!_

"Sorry, sir, but there's supernatural activities going on and we can't let anyone through. It's the law." The bastard didn't even look at me square in the eye and he's acting like he can control the damn streets?!

"Listen, you punk, I need to go down to Drunken May Cry and open the damn bar! I need to go down this road and there aren't any other short-cuts!"

"Oh, you work for Drunken May Cry? That bar's become popular nowadays."

"Of course it is! I own the damn bar!"

"Really? You're Frank?"

"No. I'm Sparda."

"Josh?"

"Sparda."

"Or was it Derek that owned the bar? I forget."

"I'm Sparda, you unintelligible pig!"

"Oh, wait, now I remember. You must be Sparda!"

"... No shit. When in the hell did you figure that out?" I rolled my eyes at the cop.

"My cousin Gerald goes down to that bar every Friday. Loves the atmosphere, especially the woman in red."

"Woman in red?"

"Yeah, I think her name's Eva or something. Says he's hooked up with Eva ever since. I personally never seen Eva but I hope for the best of them." The cop was an idiot. A vein was popping out of my head and I could feel myself gritting my teeth. Now I have to look for that idiot Gerald and blow him to smithereens.

"Eva, you say?"

"Yeah, heard she was a fox."

"Oh, but she is. She's married."

"To who?"

"Me." I punched the cop in the face and watched a hole sink in. Now his facial features were disoriented and he collapsed on the floor. I decided to stomp my way to the bar and seeing how it's Friday, I get to express my emotions to Gerald on how I feel about him bullshitting about my own wife. Besides, my wife's a pain in the ass and I know more than better to know that she wouldn't hook up with some random moron that goes down to the bar every Friday.

_Drunken May Cry._

"Yo' mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince!"

"Yeah? Yo' mama is so stupid she smothers her forehead with lipstick to make up her mind!"

"Dante. Vergil. I'm right here," said Eva. Both Dante and Vergil stared at each other for a while before looking at their mother with the sudden realization that they're going to get a can of ass whoopin'.

"Yo' like a toilet; fat, white and smells like shit."

"Yo' so poor that your face is on food stamp."

"That was low, Vergil."

"Shut up, Dante. You're inconsequential."

"Yeah? I know big words, too! And I happen to have opened my own dojo! What have you done with your life, huh?"

"Dojo? I thought you were broke?"

"No, I had money in my bank account so I decided to blow it all on a dojo."

"And what exactly do you teach?"

"... How to fight, you imbecile."

"Yeah, like that isn't obvious enough. I'm talking about what kind of martial arts."

"Oh. We fight using Chuck Kwon Do."

"You've got to be kidding. Mother, is he serious?" Vergil stared in disbelief at his younger twin.

"Evidently. He co-owns it with Chuck Norris," Eva clarified. She returned to washing the glasses behind the bar.

"Hell yeah. His movies are great."

"Chuck Norris is fucking over-rated, man."

"Vergil, watch your mouth," Eva warned.

"Shut yo' mouth. Like I said, what have you done with your life?"

"I save my money."

"For what?"

"For future preferences on indoor plumbing. You idiot, I'm saving my money so I don't end up like you."

"My life doesn't suck that bad. I mean, come on, I own a legitimate demon hunting business."

"Yeah, and it's turning out incredibly well with your unbelievable amount of debt from blowing up different housing compartments during an exorcism."

"It's a tough business. Besides, the reputation is working out pretty good for me."

"Pretty well, Dante."

"If I want corrections from you, Vergil, I'd consult a dictionary first."

"Works for me. At least you'd be able to apprehend some literacy with your... 'Ebony and Ivory.' I'm surprised you even know what those two mean."

"Porn has its benefits, dude."

"Dante!"

"What, ma'? I'm a man! That's a man thing!"

"Yes, but there's something called manners, you monkey."

"Oh, and like you've never watched porn?"

"No comment." Vergil lifted up his bottle of beer and drank from it slowly while his mother, brother and Lady stared at Vergil. "What?"

"You can't be serious." Dante placed his hand on the bar's table.

"I'm not going to say anything regarding porn. I would like to keep my sex life to myself, thank you very much."

"Well, have you ever... you know... gotten with a woman?" Eva wondered.

"Mother! Not you, too!"

"Oh, don't be so ashamed, Vergil. It's perfectly normal for a mother to know about what her sons do."

"But that's private!"

"Chill, Vergil. You don't have to be so self-conscious." Lady giggled.

"Just because I don't get it on like rabbits like you and Dante do, doesn't mean I'm very open about what I do."

"What the? We don't do anything!"

"Not from what I remember, baby. Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow."

"Dante." Eva glared at her son.

"What?"

"You're a pig, Dante." Lady rolled her eyes.

"I'm surprised you two get along," Eva commented.

"Who?" the twins asked in unison.

"The both of you." Eva smiled at her two sons.

"Fuck no! I hate him!" Dante and Vergil yelled and pointed at one another.

"Your mouth, boys. Sibling rivalry is normal. You two love each other deep down inside."

"You honestly believe I'd appreciate a brother who can't even comprehend the simple fabrics of... well, simplicity?"

"Vergil, keep your vocabulary to a minimum."

"And you think I'd have love for a brother who can't even get a girl to bring home to her mother to shag?"

"Dante!"

"GAAAH!" I yelled upon entering the bar. I was drenched from all of the rain and began shaking my hands to get dry myself.

"Sparda! What took you so long?"

"Idiot cop tried to block me on the road so I ended up arguing with him. Had to take a short-cut and practically ran my ass here. I see you've opened up the bar."

"Yes and you're an hour late."

"An hour and twenty-three minutes, mother," Dante piped up.

"Wow, you're actually calculative." Vergil rolled his eyes and chugged on more beer.

"Splendid. I see our boys are getting along well. Now, where's that idiot Gerald?"

"Who said my name?" I looked to my right and noticed an incredibly fat- and generally disgusting- man standing up. I smiled and threw him out of the bar.

"THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO DISPEL RUMORS ABOUT MY WIFE, YOU COME FACE ME LIKE A MAN, YOU HEAR?!" I shouted as I shook my fist while he ran away.

"Darling, relax. I'm used to it already. It's not even flattering anymore."

"When that happens to you, you'll know how I feel, woman."

"And in the mean time, I suggest you get your butt over here and tend to the customers."

"Oh, right.

_One hour later..._

"I love you, too!" Dante sobbed on Vergil's shoulder.

"I didn't mean all of the nasty and preposterous things I said to you! You're always going to be my brother!" Vergil sobbed back. Apparently, they drank too much to end up in the point of delirium.

"Let's not fight anymore, okay?" Dante sat on his seat more properly and extended his hand.

"Agreed. And I swear I'll try to focus my marksmanship on firearms."

"I don't believe this..." Lady groaned.

"This happens all the time." I shook my head at the two. I poured another drink for Lady and watched my sons hugging each other as if the world was going to suddenly end and explode. _Well, at least they're not bickering about useless rabble. I may as well enjoy the moment now that there's no chairs going to be flying any time soon._

"Are they always like this?"

"One of them has to start something and then they come to a rationalization about what they say and they end up apologizing to each other in the end. They're worse than when Mundus and I tried making up."

"No way. You and Mundus tried making up?" Lady suddenly seems interested. I could see the sparkle in her eyes.

"Once upon a time. Don't exactly remember how many times we've done that but it usually ends with him trying to kill me and me thwarting off his plans. Which explains my well-being, of course. Survival for the fittest!" I pumped my fist in the air. Eva pushed my arm down and furrowed her eyebrows at me. I frowned and went back to cleaning all of the other glasses. "Anyway. We had that attempted but it always failed. Now I'm on a twenty-four hour watch just in case he suddenly decides to pop up in my bar with dandelions and an apologetic card that sings pathetic songs meant for lovebirds. Like songs from Air Supply or something."

"You don't like Air Supply?" Vergil suddenly spoke up.

"Yeah, what's wrong with Air Supply?" Dante interjected. Both twins stared at me as if they were offended to a high degree.

"Relax, boys. I was kidding. Besides, Air Supply played for our wedding."

"Cool. That's so dreamy." Lady began sighing day dreamingly as Eva smiled my way.

"Wedding of the year. We could have submitted the whole wedding extravaganza to Time magazine but we decided to keep it to ourselves. Besides, the twins were born a year later."

"Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow," Dante sang. He motioned his arms around in a circle as Vergil hooted in laughter.

_Another hour later._

"Bar's closing in thirty minutes!" Eva shouted. I looked up and the place was nearly empty. I glanced at my watch and realized that it's already three o' clock. I closed my eyes, sighing and began to stretch my arms out.

"Now I've seen everything," a voice called out. I opened my eyes and saw who had just entered the bar. It was another one of Dante's accomplices. Her name was Trish, I think. She was looking at Dante and Vergil sobbing and hugging each other.

"The alcohol is taking over them," Lady informed Trish.

"I can see the effect is greatly digging deep." Trish sat next to Lady and gave Eva and myself a smile.

"Pretty late, Trish." Eva approached the woman. They had a resemblance uncanny to the naked eye.

"Yeah, I was out hunting earlier. Demons suddenly appeared in the middle of the town."

"Demons?" Lady asked. She had a look of delight on her face.

"Yes, demons. Came out of nowhere, apparently. They fled after I took a batch down and decided to look for Dante to help me. Didn't find him down at Devil May Cry so I tried looking down here at the Drunken May Cry."

"I need to change my bar's name..." I groaned.

"You look exhausted, Trish. Have a drink." Eva poured a drink for Trish.

"Thanks, Mrs. Sparda."

"Don't you guys find it weird?" Lady suddenly beamed an expression of confusion at my wife and I.

"Weird about what?"

"About your last name being Sparda?"

"So?"

"I mean, what do you write down on applications? Sparda Sparda?"

"No, I just put Sparda, seeing as how I happen to be the only person named Sparda of importance. Name's been in books of legends for centuries."

"Oh."

"Bar's closing!" Eva called out.

"Hiiiyaaah!" Dante shouted, smashing the jukebox with his fist.

"Oh, come on, Dante! Give your old man a break here! That thing cost me a pretty penny!" I shouted at him with exasperation. He didn't even turn around to look at me and he was bobbing his head to the music. I looked over to Vergil and saw him crashed out on the couch.

"One question, Mr. Sparda."

"I hope it's not something stupid, Trish."

"Of course not. Why does Dante always smash jukeboxes?"

"At first, Eva and I thought it might have something to do with schizophrenia so we admitted Dante to therapy. When the results proved that he wasn't a schizophrenic, we tried to test him by setting up three jukeboxes together and see which one he'd hit first. Coincidentally, he picked the jukebox that had gold plastered all over. So Eva and I theorized that Dante smashes any jukebox that looks good."

"That doesn't even make any sense, Sparda," said Eva.

"Of course not. I was making it up. Something's WRONG with that kid's HEAD," I yelled loud enough for Dante to hear which warranted a middle finger to me.

"He does it with his own jukebox, too," Lady added. She cupped her chin and looked at Dante dancing near the jukebox.

"Let's get this party bumpin'!" Dante hollered and swung his coat around in the air. The thick leather clapped loud enough to wake Vergil up and he saw Dante moving about uncontrollably.

"Oh, goodness. I can't believe I've woken up to this." Vergil covered his face with one of the couch's pillows. Eva walked up to Vergil and handed him a bottle of water and two remedies for his hang-over. "Thank you, mother."

"You're welcome, sweetie."

"Dante was always the wild one. Vergil was more calm. Those two are only alike when it comes to appearances. Or when it comes to asking for money." I let out a breath of fatigue and watched my sons being what they are.

"They're little devils," Trish commented. I chortled at the pun but I agreed with the thought, nonetheless.

"Yeah, well, they're monstrosities. I'm surprised they haven't killed each other. Yet."

"That's a bit harsh, Sparda. And even if they wanted to, they can't. They- for some reason- just can't die. You passed that trait down to them genetically."

"It's a great attribute. Useful for joining the military."

"Were you ever in the military, Mr. Sparda?" Lady asked.

"Only when I was still in a coalition with Mundus. I was in his army as one of his generals. I decided to hold a a rebellion but I happened to be the only member of the fighting force. Had to take down all of the demons and seal them behind the Hell Gates."

"Now the gates are open."

"What are you talking about, Trish?"

"Remember when I said there were demons appearing out of nowhere?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, there you go."

"You mean... oh, no. Oh, great. Now I have to get back to my original profession."

"You are not." I turned to Eva as she attempted to oppose me.

"You dare challenge me, woman?!" I stood with great confidence but it didn't last long. She gave me one of those smiles that you get terrified to look at because of the marvelous threats you'd get from things you don't even want to know about. "I was just playin', honey."

"You can leave it to the four of us."

"Four?" Eva wondered.

"Yeah, what do you mean by four?"

"Well, Trish, Dante, Vergil and I can take care of the demons and you can keep the bar in tact. Sounds fair."

"Why are you ruining my parade? I want some action!" I complained.

"Oh, no you don't, Sparda. We opened this bar so we can work together. I don't want you to go running off and I find out you're gone again."

"Oh, please. I came back, didn't I?"

"Stop making up excuses."

"Alright, fine. But I get that special massage later on tonight."

"BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW! Oh, wait a minute. Gross!" Dante hurled as if he were going to puke.

"It's called love, Dante!" I retorted.

"Keep that to yourselves," Vergil responded.

"Anyway. Go ahead and steal my thunder. There's always a next time."

"Great!" Trish and Lady got up and walked over to where Dante and Vergil were.

"So about that massage." I winked at Eva, followed by wiggling of my eyebrows at her. Eva smiled back mischievously and I grabbed her. She gasped and we eloped to the top floor of the bar. May not be the most comfortable place to spend some... quality time... but, hey, a man's gotta' do what a man's gotta' do.


End file.
